You don’t actually need more coping strategies

I do the deep breathing
I do the journaling
I do the exercising
I do the grounding techniques
I do the challenging my thoughts
I do the zooming out
I do the distracting myself

“I do everything everyone tells me to do. Why am I still anxious?”

This is a common experience I hear from clients as a psychotherapist. I can relate to it myself: “I’m doing all the things you’re supposed to do, and yet I live with this underlying uneasiness that flares up at what feels like the drop of a hat.”

Of course, these aren’t useless tools. They are evidence-based and work well to manage discomfort when used properly and consistently. But there is a big component to anxiety that is often overlooked: feeling safe in our body.

We want our nervous system to feel settled enough that we don’t need constant management.

Nervous system
Your nervous system is your body’s command center. It takes in information from your environment and your internal world and decides how to respond. It influences how you think, feel, move, and react, including many things you don’t consciously control. When it feels safe, your system settles. When it doesn’t, it shifts into protection.

Insight: understanding why your system reacts this way

Your nervous system is built to protect you, not to make you happy. It’s constantly scanning for cues of safety or threat. It doesn’t just respond to what’s happening right now; it responds based on past experiences, learned patterns, and what has historically kept you safe.

If you learned that staying busy, being agreeable, overthinking, or staying alert helped you avoid conflict, rejection, or uncertainty, your nervous system keeps using those strategies even when they’re no longer needed.

That’s why reactions can sometimes be confusing. You know logically that you’re safe, but your body doesn’t feel that way.

Understanding your nervous system means reflecting on “what am I trying to protect myself from?” rather than “what is wrong with me?”

Instead of judging yourself, get curious about why your nervous system has been programmed this way. It’s not about digging up the past for answers, but about recognizing the logic behind your reactions.

What situations throughout my life taught my body that being on guard was necessary?

• What feels at risk here? Conflict, rejection, being misunderstood, losing control?

• Who did I have to be to feel safe growing up? Quiet, agreeable, high-achieving?

• When I feel like people are mad at me, where did I learn to scan for others’ moods?

• Whose emotions do I feel like I have to manage?

• When it feels like something bad is around the corner, what is my system preparing for?

Nervous system safety: some examples of how to build it over time

Reducing urgency: Not everything needs to be dealt with right now. Safety grows when your system learns that waiting isn’t dangerous.

Following through with yourself: Saying no when you mean no. Resting when you say you will. Moving your body when you say you will. Trust builds when your actions match your needs and values.

Naming what’s actually happening: “I feel overwhelmed” instead of “Everything is fine.” Internal honesty calms the system.

Caring for your body: Take care of your body like you would a child or pet. Take it for walks, feed it consistently, drink water, spend time in the sun.

Letting your nervous system experience nothing happening: Moments without productivity, stimulation, or improvement - just neutrality. Not having a podcast, music, or TV running constantly. Walk in silence, drive in silence, sit in silence.

Choosing environments that feel settling: Lighting, sound, pace, and space that feel supportive rather than stimulating make a difference. This isn’t always possible, but you can be intentional about creating it.

Repairing instead of ruminating: Addressing tension directly rather than replaying it internally for days. Do you need to set a boundary? Let someone know they hurt you? This isn’t easy, but it’s necessary.

Self-trust: knowing you can tolerate discomfort without immediately needing to fix it

Trusting that you can handle discomfort is built in small moments over time. Self-trust grows each time you notice discomfort in your body, pause, and choose to stay present instead of immediately escaping it with your phone, exercise, or people-pleasing.

Practice slowing down. Name what you feel in your body: tension in your chest, tingling in your hands, shoulders lifting. Take a breath, not to fix it but to remind your body it’s still safe. Give it time. Stay with the feeling for a minute or two, noticing what you have the urge to do without doing it. Ask yourself: “Is anything actually dangerous right now?” This helps your nervous system separate past patterns from present reality. Respond, don’t react. Choose an action from a place of awareness rather than urgency (this takes time). Sometimes that’s saying nothing. Sometimes it’s speaking up.

Tools can help you cope, but insight, safety, and self-trust help you change. Start noticing your patterns, practice staying present with discomfort, and watch your system gradually learn it’s safe.