What If You Could Handle Anything?

Darshak Rana, a Substack writer, shared something brilliant. He keeps a note on his phone titled “Things that felt like the end of the world but weren’t.” He revisits it in hard times to remind himself that he can get through anything.

Think about what it would be like to have the confidence that whatever life throws your way, including your biggest fears, you could handle.

Let me be clear: by “handle” I don’t mean you would be free of intense emotions. That’s impossible. I mean you’d trust that you have the capacity to hold those big emotions without becoming completely overwhelmed. You would not be bombarded by harsh inner criticism, self-blame, or social withdrawal that creates even bigger internal battles on top of the initial hardship.

That’s how we get in our own way. When we don’t trust ourselves, when we have low self-esteem, at our core, we don’t believe we can handle intense emotions without relying on our “protectors”: the behaviors, thoughts, and feelings we use to shield ourselves from pain and discomfort.

Let me give you an example…

You’ve made a couple of mistakes at work recently, and your boss emails you to set up a one-on-one meeting.

Big emotions begin to bubble up.

Low self-esteem tells you the anxiety is too much to bear, that you can’t handle it. It recruits your protectors to help you avoid the emotions you don’t believe you can tolerate.

The first protector is the inner critic, the ruminator that loops through your mistakes, beating you up and replaying every what-if you could have avoided “if you’d just been better.”

Then comes the people pleaser. You stay late at the office and volunteer for tasks you don’t have time to take on.

Then comes the isolator. You cancel plans and stop answering your phone because the thought of seeing people or explaining what’s going on feels overwhelming.

Then comes anger, a feeling that’s familiar and easier to be with than the initial discomfort.

All of this to avoid the intense emotion that bubbled up when you first got the email. All because you don’t trust that you can handle that initial feeling.

And because you don’t trust yourself, you’re now living in an alternative reality built from assumptions and negative thoughts. You’ve taken on more work than you can handle. You’ll likely have to work into the weekend. You’ve withdrawn from people who might have eased the pain and given you energy, despite convincing yourself they would do the opposite. And now you’re angry at the world.

High self-esteem allows big emotions to arise. It notices the protectors’ instinct to jump in, but reassures them that you can handle this. High self-esteem pauses, breathes, and gives the emotion space to move through your body and settle. It zooms out and looks at the situation as it actually is: your boss called you into their office. They gave you no additional information. Of course you feel some worry because of the mistakes you made, but you stop there.

High self-esteem brings you back to the moment. It brings you back to your inner knowing and inner trust that you can handle difficult things. It releases you from trying to control what you have no control over. It reminds you that you have survived every challenge you’ve faced up to this point.

This may seem nearly impossible.

The reality is that our life circumstances growing up can either give us a strong foundation of self-esteem or make it harder. The good news is that self-esteem can be built. It just requires intention.

It starts with awareness of your inner world, as described above.

And what’s important to remember is that the goal is a deeper understanding of yourself, not a desire to “fix.”

Strong self-esteem doesn’t mean you never feel intense emotion, experience negative thoughts, or behave in ways you’re not proud of.

Strong self-esteem means you understand deeply that you are a flawed human being like everyone else, and still worthy of being here, worthy of taking up space, and worthy of trying, despite it all.

Start by reflecting on the following:

“What emotion showed up first, and what was I afraid would happen if I felt it fully?”

“Which protector jumped in, and what was it trying to help me avoid?”

“What evidence do I have that I’ve handled hard things before?”