The Anatomy of Guilt & Shame

To me, guilt feels like a thick rope running straight through the centre of my body, from the top of my head, down through my chest and stomach. It twists and tightens, making it hard to breathe fully. The intensity can shift, but it usually lingers.

Guilt, though uncomfortable, is a helpful emotion. It has a purpose. It lets us know when we have stepped out of line with our values and nudges us to make things right.

For example, you snap at your partner after a long, stressful day. Later, guilt shows up, not because you are a bad person, but because harsh words do not align with how you want to treat the people you love. That guilt motivates you to apologize and reconnect, repairing the bond instead of letting distance grow.

Shame, on the other hand, feels similar in my body, but with some key differences. The same rope twists through my centre, but with shame, I also feel an almost overwhelming urge to hide. To curl up, cover my face, disappear. It is heavy. It is draining.

Unlike guilt, shame rarely pushes us toward anything useful. Shame is not about what we did, it is about who we believe we are. It whispers: You are not good enough. You are defective. You will always mess things up. And if people knew the real you, they would reject you.

Take this example: you forget to respond to a friend’s message for a few days. If guilt shows up, it sounds like, “I should text them back, I value this friendship.” That guilt leads you to reach out and repair the connection. But if shame takes over, the voice shifts: “I am a terrible friend. They probably do not even want me in their life.” Instead of reaching out, you avoid their messages, which only deepens the disconnection.

Here is the difference: one emotion points us toward repair and growth, while the other pulls us into hiding and isolation. Guilt can guide us back to our values. Shame tries to convince us we have no value at all.

We all feel shame; it is part of being human. Shame comes from a perceived failing or flaw related to our identity, triggered by factors like past traumas, criticism, societal expectations and cultural norms. The feeling is rooted in a sense of inadequacy and a fear of rejection from others.

For example, if you were told you were too sensitive as a child by your parents, you’d likely develop shame around showing big emotions. The big emotions would still occur, but you’d develop the belief that there’s something defective about you and, in turn, want to hide your sensitivity from the world out of fear of rejection.

You can see how addressing and working with shame may take time. Noticing that it’s there, labelling it, and understanding how it may have developed for you can be a helpful first step. I think we tend to underestimate how the awareness of something can be healing in itself.

Next time you feel that rope twisting inside, pause and ask yourself: Is this guilt nudging me toward repair, or shame pulling me into hiding?

Author Annalie Howling says: “Shame thrives in secrecy, but it dissipates when brought into the light.”