When Life Feels Unfair

Recently, the washing machine broke in the woman’s condo above us and flooded our home. This was the third and most destructive time this has happened. We got home from our summer vacation to find our ceiling caved in, our floor, carpet, bed, and baseboards destroyed.

I wanted to scream. This is so incredibly unfair. Something we have absolutely no control over has completely upended our busy lives and added so much stress and disappointment. Over the next couple of days, I sank into thoughts of “poor me”, fueled by feelings of anxiety and anger. 

It was only when I saw my partner going through the same motions that I was able to observe what was happening to both of us in real time. As a therapist, I’ve been able to observe people's challenges from a distance hundreds of times and when you’re removed from their experience it becomes so much more clear that there are other options other than being the victim.

When you’re in it, this feels impossible to understand. I AM the victim in this scenario. There’s no part of this that is my fault. This is being done TO me. 

None of this is technically wrong. But I think we overlook a key part that is our responsibility and shapes our experience. Our response. What I do have control over is how I respond to this event. I don’t have control over the feelings of anxiety and initial thoughts of “poor me” that pop up. But I do have control over how I respond to those thoughts and feelings.

First let’s acknowledge that it makes complete sense to me why we land in victim mode when we do. Whether it’s a breakup, a missed promotion, a diagnosis, or even a cancelled flight, none of it is your fault. So of course you feel like a victim. We fall into victim mode because it gives us something we need in that moment; typically, we are seeking validation, sympathy, and help from others. We want reassurance that we aren’t doing anything wrong and we aren’t deserving of how unfair the world is. There’s something about the acknowledgement of this that makes it sting just a little less. But then what?

I believe it’s important to allow yourself to be in “victim mode” temporarily, but we want to be very careful about pitching a tent there. 

Once we’ve validated ourselves that this sucks, it is unfair, and it makes sense that we are feeling the way we do, we then have a very critical choice. We have to decide if we are going to be the passenger or we are going to be the driver. In other words, we make a choice on whether we are going to give our power away and give in to the idea that life is unfair, the world is happening to us, and we have absolutely no control OR we take hold of the wheel, assert what’s in our control, and empower ourselves to choose how this impacts us. 

What does this look like?

As the passenger, I stay angry with my upstairs neighbor, with the condo board and even my partner for not handling it exactly how I want him to. This anger and anxiety takes over my body which impacts my diet, my sleep, my routine, and how I show up at work. I continue to complain which makes me more stressed, distanced, and overwhelmed. I feel suffocated by my busy schedule and stew in my anxiety about “not having the time” to deal with something like this right now, which leads me to catastrophize, want to cancel everything in my calendar, and crawl into a hole of self-pity. 

As the driver, I still feel the anger and anxiety, but I validate them instead of drowning in them. I remind myself: of course this is stressful, it makes sense I feel angry. The feelings lift ever so slightly. I remind myself that when I feel overwhelmed, it helps to break it down into steps and take extra good care of myself. I write a list of what I can tackle today. The feelings lift a little bit more. I take myself on a long walk before work and listen to a comedy podcast. A little more. I open my news app and see what's going on in the world. At this point, I’m able to have the capacity for gratitude, to see how small this problem really is, and how lucky I am that this is my biggest problem in life right now. The feelings lift almost completely. 

The feelings still come and go, but choosing to be the driver helps me move through them without losing myself. It doesn’t make the situation fair or easy—but it does give me back my power.

What’s an area in your life where you are feeling like the victim? 

How can you practice taking on the role of the driver and not the passenger?