How do you know when it's time to walk away?

I have a problem.

I find myself interested in doing a lot of things. I often have a million ideas and desires, but sometimes struggle with thoroughness and follow-through. Some things stick, but I’d say most don’t.

This hasn’t always been a negative, to be honest. I’d say I’m pretty good at letting go of something as soon as I think it’s time to let go. Sometimes a bit too brash with those decisions, maybe, yet sometimes confidently driven by my intuition.

And then there are people in my life with the opposite problem. Gripping tightly onto something that stopped breathing a long time ago. Whether it be a work venture, a relationship, a living situation, or a lifestyle. Again, not always a negative. These are some of the most loyal and driven people I know.

It’s confusing because not everything worth doing is super sticky in the beginning or at all times. Sometimes it’s more of a slog before it becomes the “right thing,” and ups and downs are inevitable in almost anything worthwhile. But this duality draws a fine line between giving up too quickly and knowing what’s not meant for you. How do you know the difference? How long do you wait to make this call?

If you’ve ever found yourself in this conundrum, you know how intrinsically linked it can be to your identity. It feels like choosing between being the person who never gives up and being the person who’s wise enough to know when it’s time to walk away.

I’m not sure I have the answer. In fact, I know that I don’t. I’m not sure there is one. But I’ve been sitting with a few ideas, and like most things, it comes down to awareness.

The first is being aware of the sunk-cost fallacy. The sunk-cost fallacy is a phenomenon where a person is reluctant to abandon a course of action due to the amount of time and energy they’ve invested in it, even when it’s clear that abandonment would be more beneficial.

Oof, this is tough. When you’ve put years of everything you have into working on a relationship you thought would be your forever, a business venture you thought would be your big break, or schooling you thought would lead to your dream job.

Zooming out and asking yourself, “Is the only reason I’m in this anymore because I’ve invested so much time and energy into it?”
Do I only “want” to be a lawyer because I’ve spent so much time and money working toward being a lawyer?
Do I only “want” to be in this relationship because I’ve spent so many of my crucial years in this relationship?

If you’re honest with yourself, have you changed your mind? Have you grown to learn more about yourself and realized that this is no longer it? I don’t think we allow ourselves the grace to change our minds enough. I think we also need to reframe this from being a “waste of time” to being the time and experience you needed to get you closer to you.

Next is identifying when you’re making decisions and taking action in your life for yourself, or for how others will perceive you. Are you holding on so tightly because you don’t want the people who know you to be confused as to why you’ve stepped out of your perfectly definable box? Will it cause others discomfort?

Maybe you spend all day in a corporate job you hate, daydreaming of being a chef. Maybe you live in the city where all your friends and family are, but you know you’d be happier in a cabin in the woods. Or maybe you’ve told everyone about the book you’re writing, but have found after multiple attempts that writing is just not your thing.

It can feel like such a risk to make a big change in your life because it’s inevitable that it will impact people close to you. Family systems theory explains that when one person in the family unit alters their behavior, roles, or boundaries, the entire system is forced to adapt, creating a ripple effect that requires others to change to restore stability. I think it’s important to acknowledge the reality of this. But is the fear of disappointing others blocking you from shedding your skin and becoming who you want to be?

The last thing I’ve got is this. If you’re questioning, “Do I change course, or do I hold on a little longer and see what happens?”, that may be a sign in itself that something isn’t working the way it once did. Something has changed, and that’s okay. Maybe it’s less about having a definitive answer, more about noticing when something has shifted, and trusting yourself to respond to that honestly.