The Hidden Habit Behind Your Overthinking

Someone says something a bit “off”, their tone feels weird, their expression says something, they don’t respond the way you expected.

Within moments, you’ve filled in the blanks and created a story.

They’re annoyed with me
I did something wrong
They think I’m stupid

Then comes your reaction: You pull away, you get defensive, you go vent to someone else about how much of a jerk they are. Maybe you shut down completely, or maybe you respond with passive-aggression.
You feel justified in acting this way. You’re protecting yourself, and this person is acting out of line.

This happens so quickly, we don’t stop to realize what’s driving our self-protection. Often, we don’t actually have any evidence to prove this person is out to get us, but the story we’ve told ourselves is convincing us otherwise.

We feel like we have the facts. “Did you see the face they made?!” “Did you notice how curt their text response was?” But really, we’ve filled in a lot of blanks, made a lot of assumptions about what someone else thinks, feels, and does, and now we’re offended by our own story.

Why do we do this?

Your brain’s job is to protect you - not make you happy.

Your brain is scanning for threat, and when something feels off, your brain moves quickly to make meaning so you can take action to protect yourself.

Am I being rejected?
Did I do something wrong?

When you shut down, get defensive, or use passive-aggressive behavior, it is your way of trying to protect yourself from a threat. And while it might give you a short-term sense of control or validation, it reinforces the belief that you’re not secure enough to handle this, and something is wrong with you. You then end up feeling more isolated, disconnected from others, and more anxious/in your head.

You find yourself stuck in a loop without realizing it:

You have an emotional reaction (ex. anxiety) → Your brain creates a story to make sense of it → that story creates a stronger emotional reaction → that emotion makes the story feel true → which leads to more storytelling.

And suddenly, you’re deep in something that started with very little factual information.

So how do we break this pattern?

Not by pretending nothing bothers you - but by slowing down the moment between what happened, the emotion it triggered, and what you made it mean.

Start here:

1. Separate facts from assumptions: On one side of the page, write down the facts of what happened. For example, my friend told me she can no longer go out for dinner on Friday night. Now, on the other side, write down your assumptions. She’s mad at me, she’s going out with someone else she likes better than me, etc.

2. Get curious. What else could be true here? Maybe family is coming into town unexpectedly, maybe she’s feeling exhausted from a long work week, and wants to stay in.

3. Don’t automatically believe your first thought. Especially if it sounds critical of yourself, or very absolute (these are key flags you might have the story wrong).

When something feels personal, bring yourself back to these two grounding possibilities.

It’s not about me. People have bad days, they communicate poorly, they don’t meet your needs, they can be insensitive, irritable, distracted, or overwhelmed. Not everything is a reflection of your worth.

What if this is touching something in me? Your reactions in situations like this can be helpful because they can point to an insecurity. We aren’t usually offended in areas we feel solid in. So, noticing the assumptions you tend to make can give you insight into what needs support and healing.