When things don't go to plan

It’s the end of January, and they say over 80% of people’s New Year's resolutions have fallen off by now.

There are a few reasons this could be the case. Either we’ve set the goal too high and it was unrealistic to begin with, we haven’t broken down the steps to accomplish this goal (maybe the goal was to eat healthier and there was no plan put in place to make this happen), or something unexpected came up that completely threw us off track.

I want to dive into the latter. When something out of our control comes up in life and knocks us (resolution disrupting or not), how do we stop the domino effect and move forward with acceptance and grace?

In other words, how do we pry ourselves out of the grip that all-or-nothing thinking has on us?

I am someone who loves a plan. I love the fresh start of the new year and taking time in the first week of January to break down my goals for the year and carefully fine-tune how each week will look for me to reach them. On January 6th when I returned to work I would hit the ground running in all areas of my life and I was thrilled about it.

That first week back was great. I felt accomplished but not burnt out. It felt like I had struck a good balance for myself and something realistic I could carry into the rest of the year. And then that Sunday while cleaning my home I threw my back out. Badly.

To have a setback like this one felt devastating. Now, I know in the grand scheme of what’s happening in the world this is not that big of a deal, but if you’ve dealt with serious pain before, you know how much it can impact your mental health and quite frankly shape your view on life. For me, it feels like putting on misery glasses where everything is seen through the lens of “what's the point?”.

It felt like my body was urging me to come to a dramatic halt. I was forced to reschedule work meetings, cancel workouts, cancel personal plans, and lie flat on my back for 4 days straight.

My typical approach to this reality would be to throw all my plans out the window and wallow. I would direct my focus to everything I couldn’t do, which affected my ability to see what I could still do. By essentially giving up on everything, by the time my back inevitably got better, I would be climbing an even steeper mountain because I had set myself back more than I had to and fell into a narrative that “I had no choice.”

We’ve all been in a similar situation where something doesn’t go to plan and we are faced with a choice: Either I let this knock me and throw in the towel, or I work on a different approach for when these moments come up in life. I have 3 strategies I’ve begun to apply to these moments which you may find helpful.

1: Validate how you feel, but don’t always act on how you feel.

It’s important we first acknowledge and validate the feelings that come up for us with compassion. If we dismiss our feelings by pretending they’re not there and just jump to the next step of “focusing on what’s in our control”, we give ourselves the message that we are “wrong” for feeling this way. And feelings have a habit of sticking around and getting louder until they’re acknowledged.

But how do you validate your emotions?

First, by speaking to yourself like this: “This is a really crappy situation. It makes sense that I feel sad about this. It makes sense I feel frustrated this happened. It makes sense that I am angry and feel powerless in this situation.”

Second, notice where you feel it in your body. Does your throat feel tight? Do you have a pit in your stomach? Is it difficult to take a full breath into your belly? Notice this. Close your eyes and try to breathe into these areas to create more space and less tension.

We often forget that we can validate our feelings without acting on them. We can acknowledge that something is awful and we feel defeated without acting defeated. Instead, we can choose to put that energy into something we can control that will help us get closer to where we ultimately want to be.

2: Label what you can and can’t control and shift your energy to what you can.

Write two lists side by side. On the left, write down everything that is out of your control. On the right, write down everything that is in your control. By having this on the page in front of you, you can see all the things you spend your time worrying about, that you have no control over.

It may be more difficult to think of what’s in your control but this is normal. It’s a good practice to look at what’s in your control because it allows us to see where we can take action. In these moments, forward movement makes us feel less stuck.

Some broad examples to help get you started…
(be specific to your scenario)

3: Practice flexible thinking.

What is flexible thinking? It’s our ability to shift our perspective or approach when faced with challenging situations. The great thing about flexible thinking is it’s a skill that you can strengthen with practice.

If you often find yourself stuck in rigid, black-and-white, right-and-wrong thinking, be intentional about bringing more flexibility into your day-to-day.

What this might look like:

• Practice taking a different route to work (even if it’s 2 minutes added to your commute).

• Try a different form of exercise. Do you have a set gym routine every week? Practice swapping out a workout for a yoga class or playing a sport with friends.

• Try to cook something new without following a recipe. Allow yourself to make mistakes.

• Imagine you are someone else in a situation and think about how they might see things differently than you based on their experiences.

• If you fall into a routine when hanging out with friends or family, think of different alternatives for plans.

• Are you short on cash but want to get out of the house? Brainstorm a plan to get out without spending too much money.

• Practice thinking of alternate solutions to smaller problems first.

By validating how you feel, writing out what is in and out of your control, and practicing flexible thinking, you will begin to see “setbacks” as opportunities to practice. You will begin to shift from the narrative that continues to get you stuck, to one of acceptance and grace that continues to move you forward, just not in the way you once thought.

When we accept that things don’t often “go to plan,” we begin to open ourselves up to the many benefits that come with letting go.